S. -
You ask how I think of the old days, old places... how I deal with leaving things behind.
It used to be a hard-and-fast rule of mine not to be nostaligic and never to move backward. I thought the only way to lead a full life was to embrace newness and challenge yourself by making the choices that don't seem easy or most-pleasing. But these rules are becoming compromised in my mind -- becoming soft-and-slow. Anyone who has ever reached a dead-end in a maze could tell you that it is sometimes necessary to backtrack a bit before setting off on a new route.
Like you, I also never planned these "semi-permanent leavings" which are, for me, becoming more and more permanent each moment. M. was always meant to move to USA with me. We would be citizens of multiple lands, living around the globe (I just mis-typed 'globe' as 'blog' before correcting it -- was does that mean?!).
I sometimes imagine a Native American who boards a ship heading 'back' to Europe shortly after America was 'discovered'. Discovery goes both ways. "Where are you from?" the Europeans would have asked him in the 1500s. "Oh, I'm American" he would respond nonchalantly in Sioux or Appache, bored with the 'new world' and eager to explore the 'old country'.
And so I'm settled here. A new nationality as a new identity. I'm like someone with an impossible shade of blonde hair - everyone can tell that I'm not a natural.
What do I miss? I am strangely comforted that the places and people I remember aren't there anymore. They're either moved or changed. Most other things that I miss are so superficial. You can find rootbeer here if you look hard enough. So what does that leave? I miss squirrels and I miss winter. I miss sitting in a coffeeshop all afternoon reading and steeling up courage to venture back into the blizzard. Now if I were to leave here I would miss Eucalyptus trees, magpies and wee garden lizards. I would even miss the ridiculousness of barefoot women and topless men in grocery stores and restaurants. No shoes, no shirts - no worries, mate.
The multinational, the leaver, the adventurer -- we're as bad as junkies. They should warn travellers going abroad. Once we've experienced the differences we can never forget that there is always a valid alternative - one that pulls us. But a Eucalypt and a garden lizard cannot survive a midwest winter. And without a natural predator, squirrels would take over this country. The two places are largely incompatible.
I feel that I'm not really answering your question, which seems to be more about leaving the past. The only real consolation I can offer is this mantra: The past just isn't there anymore.
All my love, J.
